A Sirius Point

Now that my mother (the only person that reads this blog) has finally finished Order of the Phoenix, I can finally post the article I wrote for my local RWA chapter's newsletter.

SPOILER ALERT: I hereby give fair warning on the rare chance that someone else is reading this blog who 1) is not my mother and 2) hasn't yet finished the fifth installment of the Harry Potter series. Here it is:

Crushes are an integral ingredient to a happy marriage. Flirtations, fantasies, hopeless pining, in small doses, keep the neurons jumping, the senses hopping, the blood singing, the pelvis…well, you get my drift.

Of course, there’s a fine line between an invigorating crush and donning the scarlet A. Fortunately for me, I don’t find other men, aside from my True Love and Reformed Rake (code name: husband), all that enticing. Other real men, that is.

No. I have the tendency to pine for fictional characters, usually from books. The lust fires are fanned if a character comes to life in a movie version of the book. Jude Law portraying Inman from Cold Mountain is positively delicious. Jude Law the man? Eh. And Wolverine from comic book fame gets my heart pumping. Add Hugh Jackman to the mix and you may see drool dribble down my chin.

To the average person, this may seem a tad abnormal, but I’m a romance author. Falling in love is what we do.

A couple of months ago I revisited an old lover. Mr. Darcy. I re-read Pride and Prejudice, watched the Colin Firth movie version, pressing the slow motion button during the oh-so-not-Jane-Austen lake scene, conversed in the Queen’s English and pretended my four-room condo was Pemberley. A week later, the courtship ended.

Of course, my husband has crushes, too. In fact, we have a List. Some of you will know what I’m talking about. This wish list contains names of people with whom one hopes to spend time naked, ideally before one starts to sag. Should the opportunity for such a liaison arise, one’s spouse will turn a blind eye to the shenanigans. It’s a one-time deal with only one person on the List. In our marriage, I have to cheat first. This rule, I am sure, is a remnant of our early religious educations about Eve in the Garden, but that is another story.

Last month, the top three names on my list were: 1) Jemmy from Moll Flanders (it helps that Daniel Craig plays him in the movie), 2) Kisten Felps from the Dead Witch Walking series and 3) The Incredible Mr. Limpet.

My husband won’t tell me the names on his list. He says he doesn’t want me to worry.

My latest crush, however, has moved beyond the bounds of propriety and into that dangerous Scarlett O’Hara brand of adultery. I believe it’s called delusional obsession. I’m not sure why this shift in my brain has occurred. Perhaps it’s the Seven Year Itch. Or sleep deprivation. Then again, there’s always a chance I’m just plain crazy.

All I know is that this crush trumps all others on the List and were it possible, I’d be right up there with ole’ Hester herself. But it’s not possible. You see, I’ve fallen madly in love with Sirius Black, recently escaped from Azkaban Prison.

He’s the perfect romance hero – a man on the run, accused of a crime he did not commit, reckless, loyal, broken and in need of a woman to save him. The trouble is, there is no woman. No romance. Would it have killed J.K. Rowling to give Sirius a little nookie between his imprisonment and ultimate fate?

I’ve read Order of the Phoenix three times hoping that the story will change. It hasn’t. I brood, I moan, I sigh. Sadly, I haven’t given up ice cream yet so my waistline is not at all benefiting from this pining.

I re-write Sirius’s tale while I’m washing dishes, vacuuming, and in lieu of sleep. In my version, Sirius and an unnamed Muggle woman from Somerville fall madly in love and defeat the evil Voldemort before making wild wizard love and walking into the sunset together. “Dina,” my husband says with a bemused yet worried frown, “He’s dead. And hello? NOT REAL.”

I knew my infatuation had become a problem when my husband emerged from the bathroom on Saturday night wearing a black and white striped jumpsuit, Azkaban scrawled across his chest, and a hopeful expression on his face.

Clearly, something needs to change. So before I start psychotherapy, I’m making time on my schedule to write again in hopes that a creative outlet will solve the problem. After all, lust fades. Until then, Sirius stays at the top of the List and maybe I can convince my husband to don the Azkaban costume again until I move onto the next crush.

Book Ban

You know you are destined to write romance novels when you’re reading Harry Potter and cursing J.K. Rowling for not giving Sirius a love interest then stay awake at night fantasizing about subplots involving Sirius Black and his Muggle soulmate. I think this is called fan-fiction, which is, of course, highly frowned upon, but really – is it so difficult to add a little spice to Harry Potter, especially with such a man as Sirius? He is a perfect hero…the escaped prisoner, falsely accused and on the run, scraggly yet gorgeous, brooding yet devilish. He needs a woman.

And I need a life. Or rather, I need to focus on my life instead of delving into others’ lives, especially when those lives are fictional. So I’ve given up escapism for a week. No books, television (not that there is anything worthwhile on television), magazines, daydreaming, and movies.

This is difficult for me. I need my reading fix. Every night, no mater how busy I am, I must read for at least a half-hour. If the stack of books on my table gets low, I break out in hives and get a funny pitching sensation in my belly. I depend on books. This is wrong. It’s an addiction.

I need to focus on my real life and relationships. So I’m going cold turkey.

On the first day, I alternated between rage and fear. On the second day, I got a migraine. On the third day, I fall cleaned my house. On the fourth day, I worked on my next book. On the fifth day, I ate a pint of Coldstone Creamery’s sweet cream ice cream (oops, escapism). And on the sixth day I gave up and started Middlesex, which isn’t really true escapism since I wouldn’t want to be any of the characters and as I am half-Greek, I am more than familiar with all the cultural truths and idiosyncrasies Eugenides describes. (Best quote from the book and relevant to whatever point I'm trying to make: "Real life doesn't live up to writing about it" or in my case, reading about it.)

Still, I’ve failed. Instead of creating my own Sirius to supply fodder for future readers’ obsessions or at least learning that new song on my banjo, I caved, brewed a cup of Earl Grey, scored some chocolate, and planted my behind on the couch with a book, effectively tuning out my husband, my dogs, the battalion of dust bunnies, and any remnant of self-will I’d begun to rebuild.

On My Nightstand: the last two Harry Potters, which I’m trying to avoid as I don’t want them to end.

Eagerly Anticipating: the new Eddie Vedder album, which is the soundtrack for the movie Into the Wild, a tale about one incredibly stupid human being.

Quote of the Day: "Whenever I look back on the best days of my life, I think I saw them all on TV." - The Bravery